Episode 1 : My Tinder Tragedy

Being a 25 year old single woman in a city like Bangalore is not quiet acceptable to many of my friends. Their minds sum it down to three possibilities;
  • her parents are looking to get her married
  • she probably has a secret affair going on with someone
  • maybe she has doubts regarding her sexuality.
But then there are the 4th set of people, the very rare ones who understand that I am looking for something meaningful, genuine and long-lasting. A month back one such friend of mine suggested I download Tinder, and I specifically remember him quoting ‘An app where you will find true love.’ Now I am not saying Tinder is bad, but here are some of the most awful encounters I experienced while on Tinder,
#Y, an advertising professional in Bangalore who messaged me at 2.30 in the night asking me for my address, because he thought it was a perfectly romantic climate to chill over a cup of coffee, or probably he thought that I was an insomniac.
#Z, an architect in Bangalore who thought that ‘Sapiosexual’ meant, someone who got turned on by watching animals having sex. I swear, I have no clue where that came from, but I definitely found nothing Sapiosexual about him anymore.
#Y, a god fearing child, who wanted to share my number with his sister, so that she could approve of me as his girlfriend. BTW, this was right after he made sure I knew, who wrote The Ramayana.
After disappointing encounters like these, I had made up my mind to delete Tinder from my phone and use that space for something useful instead. That’s when it happened.
At 9 in the night, #A, a good looking software engineer started a light hearted conversation by asking me the meaning of my name, and also helped me find out the Arabic translation for the same. From there, the conversation went on for an hour and we decided to meet over coffee next evening. This one seemed normal and thus I wasn’t prepared to be disappointed with my date. Well, life does not always give you what you want.
So there I was, at 4 in the evening, waiting at a coffee table for my date to arrive. Having grown up around Fauji grandparents, I always valued the concept of time (except for occasionally keeping my alarm on snooze, everyday). I was already fidgeting with my bag, ring, the table cloth and also the glass of water kept in front of me. That’s when I see him enter.
Blue Jeans and White Shirt – Approved
Raymond Sunglasses – Approved
Khaki colored Shoes – Approved
Attitude – Approved
While my inner goddess did a flip, I collected myself and waved at him from my table. He smiled at me and casually walked towards our table, ‘Nothing could go wrong today’, I told myself. That’s exactly when he decided to open his mouth,
#A : Man, you are so tall, I wonder how your legs fit in anywhere?
Wait, what? what did he just say? Whoa whoa, that did not just happen. But I still tried smiling at his sick sense of humor. Now we sat down to have some coffee, so I called out to the waiter, trying to buy myself some time to recover. The waiter is here to take our order, I am busy looking at the menu, that’s when he speaks again
#A : Is there anything edible you have in your cafe that I can eat without having to fear ‘I might puke?’
That escalated quick I thought. I turned to look at the waiter and give him my sympathies, but the look in his eyes clearly told me that I was the one in dire need of some sympathy. This date is clearly not going the way it should, so I decide to take control now.
Me : Umm… wasn’t that a little unnecessary and insensitive according to you?
#A : Holy cow, you speak good English.
And why the hell was that so surprising?
Me : Excuse me, What?
#A : No offense, but you speak real good English for a Madrasi.
Me : I am from Kerala (rolls my eyes)
#A : They are all the same (he laughs at his own jokes, and he is too loud when he does that)
That was the edge up to which I could pull my string of being nice to a stranger.
Me : Of course. You must be one of those idiots who thinks Srilanka is a part of South India, because obviously you have seen it below Tamil Nadu in the map. Oh wait ! you’ve never really seen a map, have you?
Now I am furious and insulted, so I guess it’s time I leave. I take out my share from the wallet and place it on the table, and excuse myself to leave.
#A : Babe I promise to pay on our next date, if you are okay with paying the bill this time.
HE THINKS THERE IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER DATE ?! WHAT IS THIS MAN?
I walk up to the counter, pay my share of the bill and warn the waiter to make sure that the guy does not leave without paying. I wasted my time, energy, hopes and my beautiful date dress on a complete loser, I had to get back at him in someway.
Half an hour of having to put up with this tragedy, I was convinced of one thing for sure, swiping left or right is not going to help me get my love life anywhere. That night before I went to sleep, I deleted my tinder profile and convinced myself that I am going to be ‘A 50 year old Single, living with cats’, and somehow after my tragic date, that sounded like a much better plan.
Goodnight Folks
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